Why Worship?

Right now I am craving worship but my heart feels a disconnect from God so it is difficult to truly worship. But still I choose to worship and I can tell that slowly it is helping. However, I am looking forward to this Sunday because we will have our worship leader back, Sam. There is something about corporate worship with people you love that is so powerful. I know Noah will be excited too since he plays his guitar and thinks he sings like Sammy almost everyday. Below is a video of Noah playing like Sammy. At the end of the video Noah thought I said pray instead of play so that is what he is doing. Also the word he is singing/screaming is Jesus.

I have been listening a lot to this song by Jason Upton called "Face of Time". If you want hear a preview you can click on the link: http://www.jasonupton.net/store/index.php/trusting-the-angels-cd.html scroll down and double click on Face of Time. Anyways, there is a line in the song called, "In the midst suffering there is a God worth worshipping". This phrase continues to be in my head. Although this has been one of the hardest months for me in my life with court mediation's with Paul's x-wife about Harrison, Harrison having strep, Noah getting his molars in, I got a cold that turned into bronchitis along with occasionally throwing up and being extremely overtired in my first trimester and we have been busy with my parents coming into town, then Paul being out of town at a conference, celebrating the Jewish high holy days, and new people coming to the community but primarily it has been hardest because of baby Zeke going to be with the Lord: the questions, confusion, wrestling, grieving for Zeke myself and with Tom & Leah. For those of you who don't know Leah lives across the street from me, she is one of my best friends, not just my sister-in-law. Her two other kids are like Noah's brother and sister since they see each other so much. Zeke would have been like his little brother. In some ways, I feel like I have lost a child myself. My emotions have been up and down in part to grief in part to also being in my first trimester where the reality hits at an even deeper level. Flashbacks of coarse flood to losing Art, but this time I feel the pain more for his mom than me. The question of why continues to press on me. Why Lord did you take these two precious lives when they had so much still to live for and become?

I have realized that this why question is what is keeping me disconnected from the Lord in my time of worship. So since I might not ever know why while I am on earth, I am going to dare to ask myself a different question: "Why is God worthy worshipping in the midst of suffering?" Rev. 5: 12 says, "In a loud voice they sang: "Worthy is the Lamb, who was slain, to receive power and wealth and wisdom and strength and honor and glory and praise!" When I read this it hit me, why is He worthy because He suffered so that those who believe could be in eternity with Him forever. He conquered death. Not only did He suffer but His Father suffered by watching His only son be crucified and went to hell for our sins. Praise God that this is not the end of the story but through his resurrection He has allowed their to be a resurrection for all. I can't tell you what hope there in it that since I know I will see Zeke and Art again. In worshipping God, it doesn't take the pain away although sometimes it helps, but for me it makes me not feel so alone. Only He knows how I am truly feeling and only He can heal my heart. Mentally this makes sense to me emotionally it is still hard since it seems like such a long time before we will see them again. In all of our lives there has been suffering that has made us wrestle with this question of why worship God, as Jason Upton says in his song "Suffering wears the face of time". I would love to hear why some of you choose to worship God esp. in really hard times.

On a lighter note, the boys continue to be boys. Noah and Harrison have enjoyed Harrison's old boxing gloves that we got back from Landon. They have also loved playing in the dirt with the tractor and dump truck.

Noah's two favorite toys right now are a rubber frog which he calls "froggie" and a rubber thomas the train. He will hold froggie and give Thomas to either Harrison, myself or Papa. Then he says, "Hi Thomas" we say, "Hi Froggie" He says "Want to play" We say, "Ok" He says, "Let's jump" Then he takes them both and froggie falls on thomas. Froggie then gets disciplined and then Froggie says "I am sorry to Thomas" and Thomas says "It is okay I forgive you" and then they kiss. Noah made up this whole story and says it almost every time you play with froggie and thomas. I guess from the story you can tell what we have been working on. Here is a picture of Thomas and Froggie kissing since they have forgiven each other.