A Berry Good Time

Yesterday, I drove to Greenville, Sc and visited with a dear friend of mine from college, Nicole Berry. It was such a blessing to catch up and have our kids play together. We were actually able to put all four kids to sleep for naps and have 2 hours of undistributed time to really talk. It was such a sweet time esp. since we are both going through similar experiences right now. Below is a precious picture of her and her daughter, Ella who fell asleep on her.

Today, we went to a family friend's house. Noah had a blast. They have a lake with a paddle boat, horses we got to feed, trails to hike, hammocks to rest in, a little pool to swim in, a fun swing, waterfalls to climb and a barn that had all sorts of fun things to play basketball, ping pong, bikes, ect but Noah found an old guitar off in the corner and played it for most of the time. We were all having so much fun we actually stayed an extra couple hours than we were planning on and Noah missed his regular nap. He fell asleep on the way home and transferred into his bed so he slept from 5 to a little after 6. Right now he is running circles around the house so we will see what time he goes to bed tonight. The video below is of Noah and Hadassah in the hammock laughing but it hard to hear over my mom who is making sounds to make them laugh.

Inspiring books

Often times people have asked me what grief books would be good to read. There were only a very few that I found helpful when I was grieving Art. Looking back without realizing it at the time, the books I have found most helpful for me during my time of grief and even just in my life in general have been biographies both fiction and nonfiction. After Art went to be with the Lord, our friend, Amy Peterson, had just finished and published her book "Perpetua". She gave me a copy and I read it in only a couple of days. I found it bizarre that a book about a first century martyer would give encourage me so much and make me fall deeper in love with the Lord.

After Zeke went to be with the Lord, someone had mentioned that in Francines Rivers, Trilogy Mark of the Lion, the main character's name is Hadassah so I decided I would read it. Again this book is about one who has suffered greatly and yet continues to testify and worship the Lord. My heart came alive reading that series that it hadn't felt in a long time. Hadassah's life exempified the Lord in so many life giving ways. After reading it, I was even more glad that I was naming our daughter Hadassah.

Now, I find myself after Wyatt going to be with the Lord reading, "The Heavenly Man". It is a true story about a Chinese Christian Brother Yun and his impact for the kingdom and what he endured and how He has remained true to the Lord and preached the gospel to so many and experienced many miracles as well as great suffering. Before reading this, I read a book on grief and to be honest I was dissappointed I was hoping that it would bring some sort of wisdom or comfort but instead I still felt empty. I brought the book "Heavenly Man" from home because Paul put it on the reading list. Reading "The Heavenly Man" although it has been hard to read at times due to the intense suffering, I have found myself wanting to pray more, memorize scripture, evangelize, and know the Lord in a deeper way.

I started to ponder this today: What is it about these books that impact me so much? I think it is because they don't try to give you answers. They simply tell a story of people's lives who experienced life like we do with its highs and lows and it is how they choose to deal with each situation. We can see the big picture because we read the story as a whole to know the impact of what their decisions made. Then it started to dawn on me of the wisdom God had of how He has written the Bible with it being primarly a collection of stories. Since everyone's sitution is unique, there is no way to give patted answers. We learn and are encouraged by the great cloud of witnesses who walked through this fallen world and tried to live a godly life which their Creator instructed them to live. The life of Jesus is so powerful because He is God in the flesh ... leaving His footprints for us to follow. It is easy to say but hard to do when you really apply his teachings and they way He lived his life. It is so counter-cultural. This is one of the reasons why these books impact me because the people actually live and respond like you think Jesus would have. Oh Lord this is my prayer help me to learn to respond to grief and my everyday daily decisions properly that it will draw others and myself to You. I would love to hear some of your thoughts on this subject or your favorite biographies.

Here are some more of my favorites:

No Compromise - The life of Keith Green

Brucko- by Bruce Olsen

A Chance to Die- The story of Amy Carmichael

Quiet & Loud moments

This picture is where I am writing from... it is on the porch off my bedroom. It is my quiet spot where I come to be with the Lord and rock Hadassah. My sister and her husband left for Israel on Sunday so my parents and I are watching her four girls. They are so precious and I feel blessed to have all this special time with them. So far it has been really good. We have had lots of play time and even rest time during the day for all of us. I am helping my mom with a blog she does for Courtney and Nathan to read while they are in Israel since I knew how much I enjoyed it when she did it for Paul and I when we were in Israel. Feel free to click on the link http://memeadventures.blogspot.com/ (it is also on my blog list) to see more pictures the writing is mostly for Courtney and Nathan about what we did each day. Here are few pictures I didn't post on their blog to give you an idea about the activity going on in the house and why I love this quiet spot although I wouldn't trade all the laughter and fun. I realize how much I need both right now. They are both such medicine for my soul.

On the Noah and Hadassah front, Noah has been loving going to the pool they have a little raft that is just perfect for him to float in. He even told me yesturday before he went into the pool that he had to go poop. I was so proud of him esp. since I didn't bring an extra swimming diaper.

Noah has also been a little disappointed that we were not able to bring his new guitar with him here so the other day, I put him in his guitar shirt and he had a blast pretending to play his guitar on his shirt. The girls have been having fun with Noah. The other day they came out of my mom's closet with high heels on.

I drew the line though when they tried to put a princess nightgown on him to go with the heels. They have also tried to put their makeup on him but I told them they could only use it to draw pictures like face paint on him because make up was for girls. A couple days later, my mom said she was going to play golf with my dad and Noah said, " Girls don't play golf... girls wears makeup". I decided to take Noah to the local toy store and get him some fake knives and swords to play with to encourage some boy play. We also use the phrases, "You are strong like Harrison" "You are tough like Landon" and " You are brave like Wyatt" . He loves it because he looks up to them so much.

Hadassah has grown so much. She is still so full of smiles, it is such a blessing. She loves being on her tummy and even moves some. She is enjoying so much attention from her cousins. She is doing more baby talk each day and the little girls love it. She has been sleeping better and twice she has done a 7 to 8 hour stretch at night. She also has been enjoying her new playmat. She reaches for the toys and kicks the ball and laughs it is so cute.

Well my break is over, I hear Hadassah crying. We love and miss you guys. Have a great time in Texas. Give our love to the J Blakes. Here is a little video for you Paul and Harrison from Noah and Hadassah.

Since Hadassah didn't have much to say in the video of her and Noah, here is another one of her talking. enjoy

The Potter

Yesterday, we went to a museum and at the end of the tour, we were able to see a Potter make a bowl in front of us. Noah even got to make a bowl with the Potter after the presentation was over.


As the Potter was working someone asked, "Is it hard to get the clay centered?" He said "Yes because the clay resists it and wants to go its own way especially under pressure." I know that so many people use this analogy since Isaiah 64:8 says, "We are the clay. You are the Potter..." However, it really hit home at a deeper level for me yesterday. I realized that the Lord's hands have been holding me this whole time as I have been wrestling with Him and not understanding why things have happened they way the have. I always knew He has been with me because of the scripture, "I will never leave you" but this takes it to a more intimate level, He has never taken his hands off of me instead he has continually put water on me to refresh me when I get too dry and gently moves me closer to the center of His wheel. Maybe since I am such a physical touch and visual person this whole concept really meant a lot to me. Just thought I would share in hopes that maybe it might encourage someone else today.

birthdays week

So this week we have celebrated three birthdays. My niece Tiarnan turned eight on the 9th. My mom's birthday was on the 12th and Hadassah rolled over for the first time all by herself. My mom said that it was Hadassah's present to her. Then last night we celebrated my niece Faith's birthday. I haven't really had much motivation or energy to take any pictures but I brought my camera last night so here are a few pictures.

Thoughts on the World Cup

My first experience with watching the World Cup was with the Blake family (the picture above was taken 4 years ago). I was newly married into the family and the whole family rented a cabin in Colorado to watch the world cup games. There were charts, presentations of teams (which included some personal information on the players so the girls could be emotionally interested), team jerseys and of course lots of talk of who was going to win and why. We watched lots of games. It was fun just being together. Other highlights from the trip included Wyatt eating Cheerios for the first time, Leah finding out she was pregnant with Cassie and dreading Leah's hair. The other thing that really stands out from the trip is the statement that someone made, "I wonder how many kids we will have by the time the next world cup happens." At the time, we only had 4. No one would have thought that there would be 11 and especially that two of them would be in heaven.

This world cup experience has obliviously been way different since we are all in the middle of grief. However, it has given us something to do, think about, and even get excited about it in the midst of the grief. I think that is why I have gotten into more this year. Paul has even caught me watching highlights by myself. It also has given me a chance just to be in Leah's presence. I don't say much and often times I am just sitting there holding back tears. Oh how I wish I could have been there today though and seen Tom and Leah's face when Spain, which is one of their favorite teams, scored and won the world cup. I cried after the game and told my family that I was so glad because I know that this brought some joy to Tom and Leah. As small as it is in comparison to the deep grief we are feeling, we will take any type of joy we can get right now.

Noah actually got into watching the games with me while I have been here which I was thankful for. He would reinact the plays on the bed pretending to do headers and then falling down. Then he would call Paul and tell him the score and what happened. When Spain scored, he said, "The bumble bee fell down" because he had overheard someone say the Netherlands' goalie looked like a bumble bee. He really loves the game of soccer. This is also hard because some of my favorite memories are watching Noah and Wyatt play soccer together whether if it was in our or Tom and Leah's basement or our backyard or Tom and Leah's front yard. Noah liked to tackle Wyatt and Wyatt would say, "Noah, that is football not soccer." Wyatt was always real good about letting Noah play with the ball even though he was by far the better player. He had his papa's footwork for sure. It was not that long ago, when the ball got stuck and Noah took it out with his foot, then he turned to me and said, "Wyatt taught me how to do that." Since Paul and Tom play soccer on an indoor league Wyatt and Noah would go to the games and watch or jump off the stands. Noah basically copied anything Wyatt did, and Wyatt would copy what Harrison did. Since Noah was really little he loved kicking the ball in the hallway with Papa. All of this to say, I don't think we are going to be able to convince Noah not to play now, so I am trying to be thankful that this brings up good memories of Wyatt and the joy that he and Noah had, and the leader that he is to Noah. It is hard because sometimes when I think of good memories with Wyatt I smile but often times that smile turns into soft, slow tears running down my checks because I miss him and I miss the life and relationship that Wyatt would have had with Noah and Harrison. In short, life is just not the same without Wyatt and Zeke. I was trying to think of a way to end this on a positive note but I don't have one tonight, I am just really sad and missing my nephews.

Highlands, NC

For those of you who don't know, Paul and I decided it would be best if I took a break from the norm and came to Highlands, North Carolina early to be with my family. I will be here until the 14th of Aug. Paul will join me and the kids on the 4th of Aug. While I am gone, Paul will continue to lead the house church. He is also going to bring Harrison to Texas to see his cousin Landon for a couple days and to Arkansas to graduate with his masters in Middle Eastern Studies. I am so proud of him. It is so much fun to learn from him. It is truly a privilege to be his wife.

I knew in coming here it wouldn't take away the pain in my heart but knowing that I can cry with my mom and dad means the world to me. It is also helpful to have a few extra hands around to help with the kids. I am also really looking forward to having so much time with my gram and my sister, her husband and my four beautiful nieces. I also just found out that my dear friend, Nicole, who is like family to us, is going to come up here for the weekend with her husband and son, Luke.

I was a little nervous about taking the two kids on the plane all by myself, especially since at the airport right before we boarded Hadassah had a major blow out that went all the way through her outfit and onto my pants. It was a good thing that I was wearing black pants and that this happened before we got on the plane. Overall, both kids were great. Hadassah slept for about an hour while Noah watched an movie. Then she smiled and babbled while I played toys with Noah. The 2 and half hour drive from atlanta to highlands, Noah slept for half of it and colored the other half and Hadassah slept the whole time and woke up right as we pulled in my gram's driveway. It was great because she meet her 'momo' for the first time with big smiles.

It feels good to be here, this is such a place of comfort for me. The beautiful scenery causes me to see the beauty of God. This is where I lived after my late husband Art passed away. Today is actually the anniversary of when he went to be with the Lord. I cried last night but it was mostly for Wyatt and Leah. I was telling my mom stories about Wyatt and how much I miss him. Then as usual, I prayed for my dear sister Leah. This morning Hadassah decided to wake up at 6:30 and not go back to sleep, I have been laying here crying thinking about Art, his smile, laugh, the passion in his eyes, and his tender touch. It is here, in Higlands that our romance really first began when he came to meet me here only after meeting him in Panera and not even knowing him for a week. It was also here that we got married. It is hard being here for those reasons and yet refreshing all at the same time because it is nice to be around places that I memories with him and with my family who knew and loved him too. To be honest, the only other place I would want to be than here right now is in Chicago at his grave and with his family. Oma, if you are reading this could you please put a sunflower at his grave for me. I know frank probably already came by to put his golf tee.

Today is also my niece, Tiarnan's birthday, so in a sense I am glad that Hadassah got up early and I have had this time to reflect and remember. We are going to go over to my sister's house later today to celebrate. It is the irony of life, one moment we can be weeping the next celebrating. It will be good to celebrate her life though she is such a precious child full of energy and beauty.

Well to all of you back home in Kansas, I miss you already. It is amazing how your heart can be in two places at the same time. I am sending a big hug from North Carolina to all of you. Thanks for being such an important part of my life in these last 5 years.

Girls

My mother-in- law, DeAnn, got Hadassah and her 5 month older cousin Eliana matching dresses the other day... I think this might be the first of many. It is so much fun dressing up girls.